Hard decision.

In January 2009, I will turn 33.

As hard as the decision is to me I think I will go to my doctor and ask for some kind of birth control, that I can be ok with.

Part of me always wanted Megan to have a sibling, I hate the idea of her being alone. It's not fun when you are a child, never a sibling to play with. Its not fun in teenage years, never a person to sit in your bedroom and rant about how insane your parents are or about your new boyfriend. It's not fun as an adult to never have a sibling you know loves you. And finally when your parents die, its sucks big time to be the only one facing the death and having to deal with it, only a sibling would truly understand what you are going through and be able to relate.

For all those reasons, and more. I really hoped to give Megan a sister or brother. Me and Mike haven't really been trying but not preventing either. I just cant do the whole fertility treatments thing, even after 15 months of being medicated each cycle, Megan was conceived on my break cycle so I am not 100% sold that fertility treatments would work for me.

Now all these plans come into my life, my parents want me to start school, Mike wants me to get a job, Megan is getting old enough for pre-school. And worst of all I am getting older, with age risks of something being wrong with the baby increase.

Getting pregnant is no longer optimal for me. Its time to rule it out completely by doing something about it. Breaks my heart in a way, always had this "hope" that it will happen. But, if I go to school and accidentally get pregnant it will take me forever to finish. If I start a new job and will get pregnant it will burn that bridge forever. Most of all getting pregnant after the age of 33 is super scary to me.

I hope one day Megan wont hate me for this, I hope she wont be lonely. Because as it stands right now, she will be my only child.