I miss the old me.

Don't get me wrong, I love my life. I love being a wife and a mother. I love going to the parks, and Chucky Cheese, I love making my daughter feel like she is the center of my world. I love that she knows she is important and that she is loved. Being a mother was always my dream, and words can not even describe how incredible it feels to achieve this dream.

But there are days when I miss the old me, the one that managed a huge company, had an office with a window and an incredible view of what used to be the WTC, had an assistant and a secretary. Most of all made a pretty nice salary. I miss the me that was thin and young, who got lots of attention, who had a fat savings account, and never worried about bills, had her own place that was always clean. Was able to buy whatever she wanted whenever she wanted it. I miss the power I had, not only in my job but my personal life.

My parents are pushing me to go back to school and I think maybe I need to, maybe its time to get a job, try to lose some of this weight and try to regain just a bit of the old me. I hope I can somehow merge the new me and old me and come up with a life I will be excited about.

What am I scared of? Failure. I worry that I will fail, and fall on my ass. I have not studied in a long time, and that scares me. I worry how I will be able to manage my time. I worry that my weight will hinder me in getting good jobs. I hate what I have done to myself and yet lack the willpower to do something about it, sure I lose 20-40 lbs here and there and gain it back. I am not even sure if its possible to lose as much as I need to lose. I miss the way I used to look, and feel about myself.


While I love Ohio, and adore the peace and quiet at times I miss the excitement of living in NYC. I even miss taking the subway (yes I know shocking, isn't it?). I lived in NYC and prospered, I "made" it in NYC. It makes me sad I am no longer there and that I took it for granted when I was there. However, at the same time I dont see myself raising my child there.

Ahh, maybe this is just a case of "the grass is greener".